Of Sex and Meaninglessness at the University of Iowa

I just read a piece of literary pornography for class.  Then I checked my school email to find that someone else was sexually assaulted in a residence hall last Monday.  "The only person responsible for sexual misconduct is the perpetrator," these emails say.  I have it memorized.

Last time I was assigned erotica, I just didn't show up to class.  I knew that the issue would come again--I'm in the Creative Writing program of the University of Iowa, for crying out loud.  And I knew that I wouldn't be able to just not show up every time it did.

My teacher gave us a "trigger warning" in class last week.  She warned us that it would be "heavy stuff."  It wasn't heavy, really.  It was actually excruciatingly shallow, but that's a problem for another post.  "If there's a problem, please feel free to talk to me, and we can work something out."  What, an alternate reading like my mom would ask my high school for?  Then what am I supposed to do for the class discussion?  Maybe I do just need to have the guts to walk up to a teacher and say, "I'm not going to read this."  At least then I wouldn't have to read this stuff.

I don't just want out of the reading anyway though, because me getting out of the reading doesn't solve the problem.  The problem is that every student on campus is assigned stuff like this.

Maybe I could go to the teacher or the dean or the whoever else in the department, offended and indignant, but I honestly don't think I'd be the only one, and I honestly think that my voice would be muffled.

Sexual assaults happen because we live in a sexual culture.  We idolize sex, we dwell on sex, we fantasize about sex, we glorify pornography as expressive artwork while we push the realm of creativity to the breaking point until we're a bunch of jaded philosophers who believe in nothing but meaninglessness.  And then we sacrifice our morality on the alter of academic respect.

Do you know why sexual assaults are out of control in your dorm rooms, University of Iowa?  Do you really want to know what you can do to help?

You can stop assigning your students subject material that forces them to spend so much time and intellect on sex.

There's all of this feminism floating around campus, but it's self-defeating.  Feminists run around trying to "empower women," but no one is teaching all these guys on campus how to be men, they're just assigning erotic readings as if these poor guys need more sexual content to wallow in and never teach them a word about self-control.

If you really want to respect and empower my gender, quit pointing at sex every time a female shows up.

If you really want to stop sexual assaults in your dorm rooms, quit teaching your students how to do it in the classrooms.

And writers: we have a power to make people think differently.  Every piece you write that tells your audience that there is no meaning, that the closest you will ever come to meaning is through drugs and sex, you are abusing and wasting that power, and I am ashamed to be one of you.

Help me show the world that we can be more than that... and then maybe the world can be, too.

Of Money, Ted Dekker, and God's Provision

There is a writer’s conference in February in Austin, Texas, co-hosted by Ted Dekker.  That’s right, Ted Dekker.  (In case you don’t know, he’s extremely awesome!)  I knew when I first saw the link to this conference’s web page on Ted Dekker’s Facebook that I had to go.  Then I crunched the numbers, and with the Early Bird Registration, I decided that I not only had to go, but I COULD go!  It would be tight, and I’d have to start hitting up my friendly neighborhood bulimic vampires at Biolife regularly to make it work, but it was going to work!

***Bulimic Vampires: I donate plasma.  It sucks out your blood, separates the plasma, and spews your red blood cells back into you.  More importantly, if I keep my weight where it should be, I get paid $20+ to go sit and read for an hour.  It’s a pretty sweet deal!***

The Early Bird Registration deadline was September first.  But when I logged on on September first, I found that it had expired  at the beginning midnight of September first, not the ending midnight of September first.

I was devastated.  It would be $150 more than I had originally planned.

Then tuition payments hit, and they hit hard.  Two classes cost a lot more money than one.  Then my fur-ever baby got sick and had to go to the vet.  And then the dentist decided that they needed an extra $700.  I pay for parking on campus three times a week and go through twice as much gas now with commutes between work and school.  So, the past few weeks, I’ve been slowly resigning myself to the fact that this career-altering, maybe even life-changing trip wasn’t going to happen, accepting it as just one more thing that I can’t do as a nontraditional student putting myself through school.

I got an email from Ted Dekker today.  Obviously, not actually Ted Dekker, but whoever it is who puts together his mass-emails.  They reinstated the Early Bird rate for a couple of days.

Guys, I bought my ticket.  I'm going to Austin in February!!!

I am literally crying right now.

I've been wound so tight and been so tired ever since classes started up again, but it hasn't been like the Semester from the Underworld.  Yes, balancing school with a full time job is hard work, and yes I lose a lot of sleep to do this, and yes I have plenty of moments of discouragement.  But during the Semester from the Underworld, every time I had to drag my exhausted, over-caffeinated corpse out the door in the mornings to spend 14+ solid hours working and going to class, I was overwhelmed with the idea that I didn’t belong here, doing what I’m doing.  I couldn’t do this.  This was impossible.

But everything is possible.  I can endure what God has placed in front of me, because I have His strength in me.  I made it through that semester, with straight A’s, I might add.  And I’ll do it again this semester.  I can do this because this is where God put me, and this is what He’s given me to do.

And into that moment of defeat when I thought that my cross to bear was this monotonous life of school and work, school and work, school and work with the actual quest for publication on the back burner until a break in the school year only to be moved back just as it starts to boil, into that moment of discouragement and resignation, God had Ted Dekker email me so He could tell me: “Here, Kaycee.  Trust Me.  This is what you’re here for.”

Ted Dekker knows why I’m here.  “It’s not so much about what kind of story should I write, or what kind of story is the publishing industry looking for,” he said on the video in his email.  “It’s about how to be a writer.  It’s about how to unlock that space that’s already inside of you.  That’s why you’re drawn to this, that’s why you’re drawn to being a writer.  There is something inside of you that wants to get out, it wants to explode, it wants to discover, and it also wants to communicate this beauty that’s deep inside of you, or this struggle that’s deep inside of you, with the world.”

I attend the University of Iowa where writers sit in a circle and talk about how writing is just an elaborate deception about engaging the lies that we tell ourselves, or that writing is a way to explore the darkness within, and in order to be successful at it you have to have this gritty edge, that it can’t be too bright or no one will believe it.  I don’t know if any of my university professors or peers will ever get my writing, but Ted Dekker does.

That’s why I’m here in Iowa City, pursuing writing.  And every time the impossibility of it all crashes over me and I start to panic, that’s the moment when God reaches His hand out to me and provides what I need, and I’m reminded of what I’m really doing here, and why I’m really doing it.

I don’t know what God has in store for me in Austin, I just know that by His provision, I get to go!

Writing Spaces

I spend my summers trying to stay sane by focusing on writing.  When I'm not writing, brainstorming, or revising, I'm "studying" other writers' writing habits... and by "studying," I mean stalking via social media, because with Facebook, blogs, and Twitter, you're only looking at things those people chose to post on their own accord, and therefore me hunting them down like some kind of crazy/obsessed investigative journalist isn't technically "creeping," right?

Is it strange that I know that Kristin Cashore is left-handed, drafts long-hand and types it up later using voice recognition software, and before investing in a safe used to keep her manuscripts in her refrigerator because she was paranoid about her house burning down and losing all of her work?  Yeah, I'm not creepy at all :)

I also spend a ridiculous amount of time on Pinterest, finding little bits and pieces of my dream office that I hope to have some day.  Because, you know, it's summer.  What else am I going to do?

So since this is technically a blog about writing, and I haven't posted anything writing or otherwise on here in forever (because, you know, it's summer.  What do I have to say?), I thought I'd show you my writing space!

Unlike Kristin Cashore, I do my drafting on the computer.  I can type faster than I write, so as far as keeping up with my brain, it's just better off this way.  I do most of my brainstorming on the computer as well, with lots of lists and tables and stuff that I doubt anybody else could possibly make any sense of.  They contain terms such as "jerk-face" as opposed to "antagonist," if that's any indication.  There are also a lot of dot-dot-dots followed by "Oh crap, but this has to happen first!"

Revisions on the other hand I have to do with a pen.  I just can't get around a document fast enough if I'm not holding it in my hands.  I can't flip around if I can't mark three places with my fingers at the same time.

But sometimes while I'm revising, I end up axing entire scenes... leading to pages covered with a highlighter X with the word "Obsolete" written over it.  When that happens, it's pretty much like drafting again, which means I put the manuscript aside and turn back to the computer.

Then there's the occasional hunting down of a scene from an older draft, flipping through various prewrites, and then later on comparing feedback from beta readers.  So when I'm revising, it usually requires more physical space than drafting.  Which is how I end up more like this:

This is usually how homework happens as well.  There is typically a cat somewhere in there.

So now when I tell you that I'm writing, you know what it looks like!  Well, what my writing space looks like at least.  Here's what a typical revising session looks like on paper:

Well, that's what my summer looks like!  Thanks for reading!  Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to sprawl out on the living room floor and beat some fairies into submission.  Happy summer to you all: may this infuriating void of a season be over soon!

Mother's Day: A Cyber-Space Scrapbook

Whoever came up with Mother's Day has a terrible sense of timing.  In 2007, Mother's Day fell on a graduation day: namely, Kyle's graduation day, my mother's first-born.

Talk about your throw-back Thursdays!  And no, I did not attend my big brother's High School graduation dressed as a Bulgarian Colonel: the band plays for commencement ceremonies, and that year we wore our marching uniforms.

Two years later, I graduated on Mother's Day!

Along with my best friend and one of Mom's many Rent-a-Kids, because my mom has more than enough love to go around!  And clearly, we weren't proficient at selfies quite yet back in 2009.

What do you think, Ken?  Are you going to keep up the tradition?

Since I'm not in this picture, I feel no need to defend it.  Personally, I'd say it speaks for itself!  Besides, what are big sisters for?

This year, Mother's Day falls on the day before Finals Week.  Maybe that's more the University of Iowa's bad than the founder of Mother's Day's, but either way, the timing is less than ideal.  Throw in there two more necessary trips home this month, and I just wasn't going to make it out to Nebraska for Mother's Day.

The Pancake Family had a similar issue in 2012.  So what's the most rational way to handle such a problem?

Kidnap, of course!!!

My dad, brothers, and sister-in-law got her out of the state and all the way to the first rest-stop on I-80 before she figured out that she was indeed headed for Iowa City to see me instead of Wahoo to go camping!

Last year, Mother's Day's timing turned out pretty cool though:

This year, my Mamma's first grandchild looks more like this:

Here's to hoping for more grandchildren to come, right Grandma Cakes?

But there's no new baby this year, and unfortunately there could be no kidnapping plot either, because now that Mom only has one more kid to kick out of the house (a fact that Dad might be slightly more excited about than Mom), she's still taking care of people.  Only now, instead of taking care of the generation that will follow her, she's taking care of the generation that came before her.

Happy Mother's Day to you too, Mema!

So this weekend, we have a slight problem: while Mom is in Nebraska taking care of people, I'm in Iowa City...

... Doing this.

Therefore, I must send my shout-out to my Mommy in this cyber-space scrap-book from four hours away, because she raised a bird that had to stretch her wings and fly.  But don't worry Mamma, you still have one little birdie left in your nest:

Well... okay, let's be honest: I'd worry if I were you!

So this is just to say that Mamma Bear: You Rock!  First you had this guy, who thought that he was just too cool for school (or hugs from his obnoxious little sister):

But look where he is now!

Maybe he can't quite figure out what a razor is actually for yet, but man does he make cute babies, right?!

And then you've brought this kid from here:

 To here:

 And we all know he's headed places!  (And don't worry if he disappears towards the end of his college career: he's just tied up in my closet to ensure that I get my Bachelor's first!)

You've also gained a second daughter:

 And may I say one more time: she and your son make REALLY CUTE BABIES!!!

My Mamma's Mamma!  Happy Mother's Day to you too, Grandma!

And here you are (or there you are... I'm typing this in Iowa, but you're reading it in Nebraska, so is it here or there?  I love technology!), still being a Super Woman, taking care of people, because your heart is big enough to handle more than most mere mortals!

And hey, I haven't turned out half-bad either, if I do say so myself!

I love you, Mamma!  Thank you for raising me, and for showing me what the nurturing heart of a woman is supposed to look like.  I'm proud of you!  I wish I could be in the same state as you for Mother's Day.  I hope you have a great day with our guys!  Make sure to snuggle with your Grandson, and I will see you next week!

Love,
Your Dolly

Today, at the Foot of the Cross

Happy Good Friday, everyone!  I know, I know, this is the dark, somber, and perhaps slightly awkward part of Holy Week.  It's the day Jesus was crucified as a criminal on a cross, the day He died.  Judas betrayed Him, Peter denied Him, His own people rejected him, and His disciples thought that it was over and all they had lived for was lost.  Not exactly the kind of day to party about.

But the cool part for us is that we know why it had to be this way.  We know that this was God's plan all along.  This was His divine design to redeem a people who had rejected Him since Eden, because He loves us.  Unconditionally, He loves us.  We can look back and see how every prophecy in the Old Testament about the Messiah that was to come and save the world was fulfilled in Christ's life and death...

And His resurrection.  Because another cool part is this: we know how the story ends.  We know that Christ didn't stop with death, but conquered death, passed through it, and came out on the other side as the Victor, the  Conqueror who lives in us today.

So as I sit at the foot of the cross today, yes, it is somber and painful.  It's difficult to see the Man who loves me with a perfect, flawless, inconceivable love wearing my sin and taking my death.  It's hard to see Him where I should be.  But sitting here at the foot of the cross today, I know that He's doing what I can't do.  I know He is everything I can't be.  He is strong where I am weak, and He has power where I am helpless.

I had a debt that I could not pay on my own.  I should've been found guilty, I deserved death, and I didn't belong in the presence of such overwhelming glory of a perfect God.  But Jesus came in before I even knew Him and said, "I know what she is, I know what she's done, and I know what she owes, but I love her.  I will take her debt, I will cover her shortcomings, and I will take her place."

Oh yes, sitting at the cross today, I know the weight of what happened the day that the Lover of my soul died.  But I also know that I'll see Him again three days from now in the garden, and He'll call me by my name, and even after all of the pain, all of the shame, even death, He'll still love me.  Here at the foot of the cross today, I'm not alone.  I'm not condemned.  I'm not worthless.

I am cared for.  I am redeemed.  I am loved.

Adventures in Kansas City: A Summary in Pictures

Last year, a friend of mine and I celebrated Spring Break by going to Chicago.  This year, we decided that taking a road trip together was a wonderful tradition, so this year we went to Kansas City!  Kansas City is closer to Omaha than Iowa City, so I drove home the day before and got to spend a little time with my parents the night before we left, which is always a plus!  I then discovered on the way out the door to go pick Sami up that I forgot my debit card at home... In Iowa City.  So we had an hour detour to the bank which started off with "Hey, I need some cash please," and ended with "You qualify for this, this, and this, and we can do this, and I'm going to reverse these fees for you, too!"  So with my financial life all organized and stuff, we set off!

Turns out driving through Missouri is MUCH more interesting than driving across Iowa!  And driving with a friend helps, too!  As I was the wheel-man this year, I don't have any pictures from the drive, but it was exciting to spend some interstate-time looking at hills and stuff for once instead of corn.

Our first stop was Waffle House.  I'd never been there before, and it was a whole lot of food for not a lot of money, which was wonderful!  (We are both college students: the key word this trip was "free!")

From there, we went to the Nelson Atkins Art Museum... which was FREE!  And also huge, and epic.  Observe:

Frederic Edwin Church, Jerusalem from the Mount of Olives, 1870

I don't remember what this painting was called or anything, I just wanted the dress!  Like, seriously, can I please get married in this dress?!

Jacob C. Ward, Natural Bridge, Virginia, 1835

"The soul has greater need of the ideal than the real-- it is by the real that we exist, it is by the ideal that we live."

I don't know what this was all about, they were just hangin' out in front of the museum!

We stayed with my friend's aunt and uncle, who were very sweet and took great care of us!  We all went to a BBQ joint called Jack Stack's.  It was crazy busy when we got there, and after we were seated and they took our order, it was taking a long time, but we were having a great time chatting and stuff.  Then the manager came to our table and said, "Well, I have good news and bad news.  The bad news, you already know, is that your food is taking way too long.  We had a mix-up in the kitchen, but the good news is that your food will be out soon, and your dinner is on us tonight!"  So all four of us had really yummy food totally for free!

One of our goals for this trip was to see how many of Kansas City's fountains we could take pictures of.  Unfortunately, it was still kind of cold, and so most of the fountains didn't have water in them yet.  So on our way out to our Saturday adventures, we saw this one (pictured below) and said "Oooh, a fountain!  With water in it!  We have to stop and take a picture!"  So we did :)

We then made a stop at WalMart for cheap sandwich-makin's for lunch (a regular WalMart, not a Super WalMart!  Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've been in one of those lil' baby WalMarts?!  That was so sweetly nostalgic!  Anyway...), and then we went to the Kansas City Zoo!  I may have been raised with the Henry Doorly, but this zoo was awesome in its own right!

Sunbathing in fifty degree weather... Clearly, this otter lives in the Midwest!

What were all of their peacocks doing in cages?!

Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool?

Happy camel!

While their peacocks may have been in cages, their kangaroos weren't!  We were worried at first when we saw the first two running around loose, but then we found that they weren't fenced in at all, and they had a sign asking us to stay on the path, because the animals were out and about!

I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine!  And he shall be my Squishy!

While they maybe didn't have as many different kinds of animals as the Henry Doorly, they had more of the animals that they did have.  For instance, they didn't have three different breeds of lions, they had five or six of the same kind of lion, so they could have a bunch more space and a bunch more friends and they were all happier!  Plus they had happy camels... And free kangaroos.  It was awesome!

From there we went to the Crown Center, where we got lost in an underground parking garage again, because I guess that's a crucial part of our spring break tradition!

We spent the evening wandering around a shopping plaza near my friend's aunt and uncle's place.  We took pictures of the awesome buildings and the fountains (both with and without water), and then we did a lil' shopping!

That night for dinner, we went to a place called Brio.  It was FANTASTIC!!!  I highly recommend it!  It looked super-duper fancy, so when we went in we felt slightly under-dressed, but it wasn't priced any worse than Applebees.  We didn't wait very long for a table, and the waiter spent more time waiting for us to make up our minds and answering our questions than we spent waiting on him.  And on top of the excellent service and agreeable prices, the food was delicioius (as was the Mojito, because it was spring break, so I went a little crazy!)!

I can't believe I ate the whole thing!!!

Then we went back to the house and colored... Because we're college kids who spent an hour in the Crayola store at the Crown Center!  The next morning, we hit up one more mall for a little more shopping where I spent twenty bucks on a shirt, since I only go shopping maybe once a year, so I can go a little crazy, right?

So I can mark another city off of the map, and I enjoyed another trip with an awesome friend!  Who knows where our adventures will take us next year!