Well, it's been an interesting year to say the least. I turned 19, I got half of my credits done towards my Associates in Liberal Arts degree, I've been working at my desk job, went on my first date, had my first kiss, went through my first break up... ultimately, it's been the end of life as I know it.
But it's New Years, my favorite holiday. It's a time for reflection, and a spring board for improvement. While I don't quite so much believe in New Years Resolutions, as no one ever sticks with them for more than two weeks tops, it really is a chance to look at life and see where I'm at and where I'd rather be (which, yes, generally occurs in the form of New Years Resolutions. Funny how that works).
Well, I have twelve hours left for reflection, I don't have to know where I am or where I want to be yet, do I? Thus far, I have reading at least one book a month and writing at least 500 words a day. Any other ideas? We'll have to see how much else I can figure out about where I am and where I want to be.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
A Beautiful Blue Bible
My first Bible was a big, bulky, burgundy one that said "Holy Bible" on the front and was about three inches thick. Then there was this new trend in the Christian community of having your name printed on the lower right corner of the front cover of your Bible. So, my parents bought me a sleeker, thinner burgundy Bible with shinier pages and one of those cool ribbon book marks, and they had my name put on it.
Then it came time for High School. Ever since the fifth grade, I wanted to be home schooled. I hated public school: it didn't challenge me, both my peers and my teachers were dumb half the time, but most of all the rebellion that I saw in my older brother's life I contributed to the negative influences of public school. All through Jr. High, my biggest fear was that I wouldn't be strong enough, that public school would get to me, and I'd fall in my faith like him. But by the time High School came around, it was clear to my parents and I that home school wasn't in God's plan for me. After I finished crying over it, I finally decided that if it was God's plan for me to go to public school, then maybe He wouldn't let me slip like my older brother had. But before school started, I got a new Bible. This one was a small blue one that I got specifically to fit in my purse so that I could have it with me at school.
I can't remember if it was my senior or junior year, but I was at a football game marching the half time show when it started to rain. By the time we made it back up to the stands, it was too late. Everything in my purse, my Bible included, had been soaked. So I got a new Bible, about the same size but this one was brown and green and had cool designs on it.
One of the most commonly overlooked beauties in this world is a well-used Bible-- one with a worn spine, the sparkly edges worn off the pages, and rainbows of underlines, highlights, and notes in the margins on many pages. I was looking for something in my Bible today and was surprised to find that it hadn't been underlined yet. Then I flipped through the rest of my Bible and was a little disappointed that it wasn't nearly as colorful inside as I thought it should be. But I found a few things, a couple of verses that I had underlined that had special meaning to me and a few notes that had stories behind why I had written them there. It got me to thinking, so I ran downstairs and pulled out my old blue Bible. It had been a well-worn Bible before the rain at that football game brought it to an early retirement, and half of the notes and underlinings had bled all over multiple pages, but the scripture was still legible and I could make out the majority of my markings.
When I used that blue Bible, I was in a very special place in my relationship with God. It was incredibly intimate, I trusted Him with more than I do now. He was all I had back then, and I liked it that way. Nothing could come between us. I was on fire, I was passionately in love with my Lord and Savior, and every new thing He told me was worthy of a little new color in my Bible.
Things have changed since then. I've struggled with things I never thought I'd struggle with before. I've found myself wasting so much time groping cluelessly in dark corners when all I really needed to do was turn back around to find the open arms of my Abba Father. I've watched people falter in ways I've never thought possible for them, I've come against brick walls erected by the enemy and fortified by the free will that sometimes I wonder why in the world God gave us. And I've discovered that coming back to the intimacy that I had with God from places of such darkness is much easier said than done.
But I am coming back. It's a slow process, and it isn't a fun process. It's a fight, it's a struggle, it's a journey over rough terrain, and while I'm at least traveling in the right direction now I still keep stumbling, scraping my knees, and having to get up again to press on. But I'll be stronger for it in the end, and through it all I truly have learned things about my Creator that I didn't know before. And some day, I'll get back to the intimacy that I miss so much.
So I'm going to go to church tomorrow, and I think I'll bring that poor little rain-smeared blue Bible with me.
Then it came time for High School. Ever since the fifth grade, I wanted to be home schooled. I hated public school: it didn't challenge me, both my peers and my teachers were dumb half the time, but most of all the rebellion that I saw in my older brother's life I contributed to the negative influences of public school. All through Jr. High, my biggest fear was that I wouldn't be strong enough, that public school would get to me, and I'd fall in my faith like him. But by the time High School came around, it was clear to my parents and I that home school wasn't in God's plan for me. After I finished crying over it, I finally decided that if it was God's plan for me to go to public school, then maybe He wouldn't let me slip like my older brother had. But before school started, I got a new Bible. This one was a small blue one that I got specifically to fit in my purse so that I could have it with me at school.
I can't remember if it was my senior or junior year, but I was at a football game marching the half time show when it started to rain. By the time we made it back up to the stands, it was too late. Everything in my purse, my Bible included, had been soaked. So I got a new Bible, about the same size but this one was brown and green and had cool designs on it.
One of the most commonly overlooked beauties in this world is a well-used Bible-- one with a worn spine, the sparkly edges worn off the pages, and rainbows of underlines, highlights, and notes in the margins on many pages. I was looking for something in my Bible today and was surprised to find that it hadn't been underlined yet. Then I flipped through the rest of my Bible and was a little disappointed that it wasn't nearly as colorful inside as I thought it should be. But I found a few things, a couple of verses that I had underlined that had special meaning to me and a few notes that had stories behind why I had written them there. It got me to thinking, so I ran downstairs and pulled out my old blue Bible. It had been a well-worn Bible before the rain at that football game brought it to an early retirement, and half of the notes and underlinings had bled all over multiple pages, but the scripture was still legible and I could make out the majority of my markings.
When I used that blue Bible, I was in a very special place in my relationship with God. It was incredibly intimate, I trusted Him with more than I do now. He was all I had back then, and I liked it that way. Nothing could come between us. I was on fire, I was passionately in love with my Lord and Savior, and every new thing He told me was worthy of a little new color in my Bible.
Things have changed since then. I've struggled with things I never thought I'd struggle with before. I've found myself wasting so much time groping cluelessly in dark corners when all I really needed to do was turn back around to find the open arms of my Abba Father. I've watched people falter in ways I've never thought possible for them, I've come against brick walls erected by the enemy and fortified by the free will that sometimes I wonder why in the world God gave us. And I've discovered that coming back to the intimacy that I had with God from places of such darkness is much easier said than done.
But I am coming back. It's a slow process, and it isn't a fun process. It's a fight, it's a struggle, it's a journey over rough terrain, and while I'm at least traveling in the right direction now I still keep stumbling, scraping my knees, and having to get up again to press on. But I'll be stronger for it in the end, and through it all I truly have learned things about my Creator that I didn't know before. And some day, I'll get back to the intimacy that I miss so much.
So I'm going to go to church tomorrow, and I think I'll bring that poor little rain-smeared blue Bible with me.
Monday, May 10, 2010
While I've Been Away
What's this? Kaycee lives? No way!!!! That's right Ladies and Gentlemen, kids of all ages, I didn't die. Please quiet your disappointment-- you know you missed me! So where have I been? Glad you asked!
As probably seeped through some of my most "recent" posts, there was some, uh... dissatisfaction in my life... hence things such as the epic rant on parenting. I won't bore you with all of the details of my dark ages, just rest assured that they were dark, I had nothing positive to say, so I didn't say anything at all.
Well, now I have positive things to say!
I have many positive things to say about God's sovereignty. My spiritual walk got pretty dry and felt really pointless there for a while for long, drawn out reasons that took three pages of journaling just to figure out myself, and would therefore take six to explain, so I won't. Praying was awkward, and I was mad at myself because I knew in my head that God doesn't change, so the change in my relationship with Him was me, and I didn't know how to fix it. So circumstances were grim, and I was completely on my own. Hence the dark ages and the dissappearance of Kaycee from the blogging world.
In a night of hopelssness and frustration, I went out on a limb, lived life on the edge, tried something new... I, uh, *coughcough* kinda sorta, umm... postedaprofileoneharmony. There, I said it. Well, as it turned out, God is sovereign. I've known that in my head all my life... I even learned what the word Sovereign means a few years ago. It's one of those facts that children raised in church have pounded into their heads until they can say the words in their sleep... whether they have any idea what it means or not. Well, now I know what it means. It means that God has a plan, and He knew what He was doing all along. Everything I've ever been through in my life has made me into the person I am today. And everything in my dark ages brought me to that night when I broke down and posted that profile.
Which means that God let me become the person that I am now and brought that person that I am now to eHarmony where I then proceeded to meet my boyfriend.
I had a journal that I had been frustratingly scribbling in through my dark ages until I finally decided that no matter how much journaling I did, life would still suck, so I gave up. I journaled in that notebook again the other day, read over what I wrote, and then flipped back through what I had written before. And I am happy to report that life doesn't suck. Life is full of hope and excitement, and even the parts of life that do suck are all a part of God's soveriegn plan to make me into the woman He wants me to be and to place me in the life that He wants me to lead that will glorify Him.
It's good to be back!
As probably seeped through some of my most "recent" posts, there was some, uh... dissatisfaction in my life... hence things such as the epic rant on parenting. I won't bore you with all of the details of my dark ages, just rest assured that they were dark, I had nothing positive to say, so I didn't say anything at all.
Well, now I have positive things to say!
I have many positive things to say about God's sovereignty. My spiritual walk got pretty dry and felt really pointless there for a while for long, drawn out reasons that took three pages of journaling just to figure out myself, and would therefore take six to explain, so I won't. Praying was awkward, and I was mad at myself because I knew in my head that God doesn't change, so the change in my relationship with Him was me, and I didn't know how to fix it. So circumstances were grim, and I was completely on my own. Hence the dark ages and the dissappearance of Kaycee from the blogging world.
In a night of hopelssness and frustration, I went out on a limb, lived life on the edge, tried something new... I, uh, *coughcough* kinda sorta, umm... postedaprofileoneharmony. There, I said it. Well, as it turned out, God is sovereign. I've known that in my head all my life... I even learned what the word Sovereign means a few years ago. It's one of those facts that children raised in church have pounded into their heads until they can say the words in their sleep... whether they have any idea what it means or not. Well, now I know what it means. It means that God has a plan, and He knew what He was doing all along. Everything I've ever been through in my life has made me into the person I am today. And everything in my dark ages brought me to that night when I broke down and posted that profile.
Which means that God let me become the person that I am now and brought that person that I am now to eHarmony where I then proceeded to meet my boyfriend.
I had a journal that I had been frustratingly scribbling in through my dark ages until I finally decided that no matter how much journaling I did, life would still suck, so I gave up. I journaled in that notebook again the other day, read over what I wrote, and then flipped back through what I had written before. And I am happy to report that life doesn't suck. Life is full of hope and excitement, and even the parts of life that do suck are all a part of God's soveriegn plan to make me into the woman He wants me to be and to place me in the life that He wants me to lead that will glorify Him.
It's good to be back!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Update on my Personal Pact
At work this evening, somewhere between my 16 ounces of diet coke and two Excedrin, my body decided to revolt against me and is freaking out as if I have over-dosed on Red Bull. (It is not a pretty thing when I OD on Red Bull, trust me, but that has nothing to do with anything aside from the fact that it demonstrates how completely random and whacked-out I am at the moment). Therefore, it is rapidly approaching midnight and I'm still wide awake. What more is there to do but blog? So, I shall update my lovely readers on the status of that Personal Pact that I described to you in my last visit to the blogging world.
Step one was taking care of myself. I know, I know, it doesn't look like it at the moment, but I really am getting better!!!... A little... I went an entire half a week straight of eating like a human, that counts for something, right? And yes ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages, Kaycee cut her hair. Kaycee cut eleven inches off of her hair. Kaycee was traumatized for three days and almost cried. Kaycee is slowly getting used to it though: she does best when it's curled, because when it's straight, it looks like somebody just hacked it all off and Kaycee finds that disturbing. Kaycee derives joy from speaking in third person, can you tell?
Step two was getting off my lazy bum and doing stuff. I'm on Pleasure Reading Book number 2 and the Dark Warriors are just fixing to kidnap Inierae (who was very excited when I finally named her instead of continuing to call her "[Princess]"). Again, not the entire second step, but we're getting there.
Step three... well, I don't have a car and I work most nights. I'll have to wait on that one.
*deep sigh of satisfaction* Wherever would life be without progress?
Step one was taking care of myself. I know, I know, it doesn't look like it at the moment, but I really am getting better!!!... A little... I went an entire half a week straight of eating like a human, that counts for something, right? And yes ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages, Kaycee cut her hair. Kaycee cut eleven inches off of her hair. Kaycee was traumatized for three days and almost cried. Kaycee is slowly getting used to it though: she does best when it's curled, because when it's straight, it looks like somebody just hacked it all off and Kaycee finds that disturbing. Kaycee derives joy from speaking in third person, can you tell?
Step two was getting off my lazy bum and doing stuff. I'm on Pleasure Reading Book number 2 and the Dark Warriors are just fixing to kidnap Inierae (who was very excited when I finally named her instead of continuing to call her "[Princess]"). Again, not the entire second step, but we're getting there.
Step three... well, I don't have a car and I work most nights. I'll have to wait on that one.
*deep sigh of satisfaction* Wherever would life be without progress?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Personal Pact
So I was thinking this evening while taking a shower (don't look at me like that! The shower happens to be an incredibly inspirational place!) about my life, what it is, and what I wish it was. As the scarcity of blog posts may have let on, I've been in a bit of a dark place in my life due to a whole slew of different factors in which I do not care to go into right now, nor do you really want me to, I promise. But I finally arrived at a concrete decision.
The gloves are off. No more little miss sweet and shy. I'm saying good-bye to the long, dark hours of contemplating those factors that no one wishes for me to discuss here and getting lost in bleak and gloomy moods and not enjoying where I am in life but not really seeing anything else. Good-bye. No more. The gloves are off. I'm going to get off my preverbial butt and do something. Okay, a few things. The pact I have made with myself tonight is three-fold.
I'm going to take care of myself. Not that I haven't been taking care of myself... well, as much care as any emotionally-distressed college student working two jobs that only very recently became one (I threw my last paper on Sunday, January 31, 2009, and all the world rejoiced), but I digress. I'm going to eat like a normal, healthy human being: you know, breakfast NOT impulsively purchased from the vending machine, a balanced lunch, and a dinner consisting of a little bit more substance than oreos and/or Ho-Hos. (What? Gallup has a vending machine, not a salad bar!) I'm gonna do a few crunches every day, pull out the weights and actully do my physical therapy stuff for my knee. I'm gonna order more ProActive, and this acne WILL go away. I'm gonna cut my hair... haha, gocha! Just a couple inches, I'm getting sick of sitting on it.
And then I'm going to broaden the horizons of my routine. I'm going to break free from the restraints that have cut out everything but Home, school, and work. I'm gonna read something for fun. I'm gonna write on a regular basis again. I'm gonna get consistent in my daily quiet time with God. I'm gonna start managing my time so I'm not procrastinating homework... quite so bad... I'm gonna finish my poetry scrap book.
Finally, ding dang it, I'm gonna MEET people! I'm gonna figure out what it takes to meet new people! I'm gonna find somewhere to go and I'm gonna talk to strangers and make new friends. Doggonit, I might even come up with some slick line to use when I'm turning down a guy's request for my phone number.
So I'm not creating a brand new and improved Kaycee. I'm bringing the old one back to life. I'm going to make her adjust to what her life has become, and I'm going to teach her how to love it.
The gloves are off. No more little miss sweet and shy. I'm saying good-bye to the long, dark hours of contemplating those factors that no one wishes for me to discuss here and getting lost in bleak and gloomy moods and not enjoying where I am in life but not really seeing anything else. Good-bye. No more. The gloves are off. I'm going to get off my preverbial butt and do something. Okay, a few things. The pact I have made with myself tonight is three-fold.
I'm going to take care of myself. Not that I haven't been taking care of myself... well, as much care as any emotionally-distressed college student working two jobs that only very recently became one (I threw my last paper on Sunday, January 31, 2009, and all the world rejoiced), but I digress. I'm going to eat like a normal, healthy human being: you know, breakfast NOT impulsively purchased from the vending machine, a balanced lunch, and a dinner consisting of a little bit more substance than oreos and/or Ho-Hos. (What? Gallup has a vending machine, not a salad bar!) I'm gonna do a few crunches every day, pull out the weights and actully do my physical therapy stuff for my knee. I'm gonna order more ProActive, and this acne WILL go away. I'm gonna cut my hair... haha, gocha! Just a couple inches, I'm getting sick of sitting on it.
And then I'm going to broaden the horizons of my routine. I'm going to break free from the restraints that have cut out everything but Home, school, and work. I'm gonna read something for fun. I'm gonna write on a regular basis again. I'm gonna get consistent in my daily quiet time with God. I'm gonna start managing my time so I'm not procrastinating homework... quite so bad... I'm gonna finish my poetry scrap book.
Finally, ding dang it, I'm gonna MEET people! I'm gonna figure out what it takes to meet new people! I'm gonna find somewhere to go and I'm gonna talk to strangers and make new friends. Doggonit, I might even come up with some slick line to use when I'm turning down a guy's request for my phone number.
So I'm not creating a brand new and improved Kaycee. I'm bringing the old one back to life. I'm going to make her adjust to what her life has become, and I'm going to teach her how to love it.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Entering Adulthood
What's this? Kaycee is actually blogging? I thought she disappeared!!!
No, Ladies and Gentlement, Kids of all ages, I'm still here!!!... though without anything truly inspiring or insightful to write about. My life has suddenly become school, work, and family spats. Go life. So, I shall post a blog about a concept that is ever so near and dear to my heart on this, the day before the day before my 19th birthday... Adulthood. I have this idea in my head as to how this is supposed to work, so here it goes.
People are born into this world to parents. Theoretically out of love, now a days more so out of infatuation, drugs, alcohol, self-esteem hang ups, jerk wads, etc., but don't get me started. After all, this is how it's SUPPOSED to work. So people are born to parents. The parents' job is called "parenting." Now don't start in on the sarcastic "oh wow, no duh Ralph," there is a point to that statement. The occupation of Parent cannot be summed up in one word. It's not like it's administrative, janitorial, management, manual labor, there is no category. The parent is to meet the child's physical needs: food, clothes, bed. The parent is to teach the child: speech, potty training, table manners, social skills, responsability, finance management, common sense. The parent is to meet the child's emotional needs: encouragement, appropriate self-expression, love. The end goal of parenting, aside from establishing a life-long bond to span a transition between generations, is to produce a young adult equiped with the necessary skills to move out of the parent's house and create a life for his or her self.
The child will never be "ready" to take on the real world and establish what their own, individual life will be. That would require having already experienced everything prior to that leap of faith out of the parents' home. There simply comes a point when the parent has done his or her job. There is nothing else to teach the child, it is time for the child to learn from different venues. It is not necessarily a crack at poor parenting, it is simply fact. Parents can't teach their children everything that their children will ever learn. Teaching a person is a task to be shared with many people. There comes a time that the child must try to provide for his or her own self. And, most importantly to me at the moment, there comes a time that the child must leave the parents' home simply to establish a separate identity. The point of parenting is to produce an adult, not an extension of the parents' own house. If done correctly, that extension occurs on its own. If forced, that extension will be severed when the child finally does leave. If you try to grow a plant by yanking it upwards and screaming "BE TALLER!" you're going to pull it up by the roots and destroy it.
By locking the door and saying "No, you can't leave, you belong to me!" you are destroying that extension that will occur naturally if you just let me go. It's time to sit back and see what kind of adult you've produced. When that time comes, and the parent can't do that, then the entire point of parenting has been lost, and the world will never know whether the parent succeeded or failed.
No, Ladies and Gentlement, Kids of all ages, I'm still here!!!... though without anything truly inspiring or insightful to write about. My life has suddenly become school, work, and family spats. Go life. So, I shall post a blog about a concept that is ever so near and dear to my heart on this, the day before the day before my 19th birthday... Adulthood. I have this idea in my head as to how this is supposed to work, so here it goes.
People are born into this world to parents. Theoretically out of love, now a days more so out of infatuation, drugs, alcohol, self-esteem hang ups, jerk wads, etc., but don't get me started. After all, this is how it's SUPPOSED to work. So people are born to parents. The parents' job is called "parenting." Now don't start in on the sarcastic "oh wow, no duh Ralph," there is a point to that statement. The occupation of Parent cannot be summed up in one word. It's not like it's administrative, janitorial, management, manual labor, there is no category. The parent is to meet the child's physical needs: food, clothes, bed. The parent is to teach the child: speech, potty training, table manners, social skills, responsability, finance management, common sense. The parent is to meet the child's emotional needs: encouragement, appropriate self-expression, love. The end goal of parenting, aside from establishing a life-long bond to span a transition between generations, is to produce a young adult equiped with the necessary skills to move out of the parent's house and create a life for his or her self.
The child will never be "ready" to take on the real world and establish what their own, individual life will be. That would require having already experienced everything prior to that leap of faith out of the parents' home. There simply comes a point when the parent has done his or her job. There is nothing else to teach the child, it is time for the child to learn from different venues. It is not necessarily a crack at poor parenting, it is simply fact. Parents can't teach their children everything that their children will ever learn. Teaching a person is a task to be shared with many people. There comes a time that the child must try to provide for his or her own self. And, most importantly to me at the moment, there comes a time that the child must leave the parents' home simply to establish a separate identity. The point of parenting is to produce an adult, not an extension of the parents' own house. If done correctly, that extension occurs on its own. If forced, that extension will be severed when the child finally does leave. If you try to grow a plant by yanking it upwards and screaming "BE TALLER!" you're going to pull it up by the roots and destroy it.
By locking the door and saying "No, you can't leave, you belong to me!" you are destroying that extension that will occur naturally if you just let me go. It's time to sit back and see what kind of adult you've produced. When that time comes, and the parent can't do that, then the entire point of parenting has been lost, and the world will never know whether the parent succeeded or failed.
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