The Insanity of a Non Traditional Student

Today is the dawn of a new semester!  Personally, I am avidly celebrating the end of the solitary confinement that comes with breaks in the school year and getting excited for a steady routine,  consistent social life, and yes, also homework!  I don't have to endure another break until... Well, summer pretty much!  I'm looking forward to an entire semester of uninterrupted structure, growth, confidence, and limited alone-time with which to drive myself to complete and unenjoyable insanity.  Now I get to enjoy the fun kind of insanity!  You know, the kind where you watch The Hobbit in theaters five times and can quote large chunks of it before it's even out on DVD?  The kind where you come home from work covered in mashed potatoes and toddler snot and declare it evidence of a successful day?  The kind where you pass the time in your car by reciting the Lord of the Rings to yourself?  The kind where you have conversations with your cat as though she was your child, including telling her that "we do not bite our friends"?  The kind where you sit on the floor and then try to get up only to fall over because you're standing on your own hair?

Okay, maybe you can't relate to THAT kind of insanity... Ahem.

The class this semester is Intro to Poetry, including but not limited to Beat Poetry, being early Slam Poetry, for which I am incredibly pumped!  My professor is a soft-speaking Frenchman with a mustache whose demeanor and participation policy suggest him to be a fellow introvert.  He's careful to address and acknowledge the thoughts of every student expressed in discussion, and he has a passion for words.  As an unnecessary however additional perk, there are also some guys in my class with potential to be cute, pending a preliminary ruling on their character/personality.  I'm already in love with this class!

Having been finally granted residency by the University of Iowa earlier this month, I am one step closer to the day that I can take more than one class at a time, which would be wonderful as the rate at which I am currently taking classes will not let me graduate any sooner than a decade from when I started.  Returning to life as a full time student isn't quite a visible future for me yet as working full time and studying full time does not a sane person make, and I am trying to avoid college debt as much as possible.  But I'm a resident at least.  It's a step in the right direction, and the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Another "possibility" with which to speed the acquisition of my Bachelor's degree would be spending a summer studying abroad in Ireland.  The more I think about it, the more I want to do it, but yet the more tricky it sounds.  The program itself is about $6k (covers the program, a living situation, and a bus pass), then there's air fare, then there's text books, then there's food and spending money, then there's not working for three months, then there's bills back home, and all of this after the hassle of finding a sub-leaser or something for wherever I might be living if this ever happens (and don't talk to me about living situations, that line of thinking still scares me after last year!).  The financial end of things alone makes the study-abroad idea for me impossible until 2014 at the soonest, and that's if I take out loans to do it.  Not to mention the fact that if you stick me in the middle of Ireland by myself, I might take a wrong turn somewhere and never come back.  Literally, I might get lost in the air port and die before I ever make it back to the states!  I mean, when Bilbo went on his adventure, he got to follow thirteen dwarves who already knew where they were going.  The people affiliated with the Irish Writing Program meet you at the airport in Dublin... I have to make it at least that far by myself!  And then there's figuratively of course.  (Bilbo: "Can you promise that I will come back?" Gandalf: "No, and if you do, you'll never be the same."  Yay, fun kind of insanity!)  Besides, I start getting homesick after two or three weekends in a row in Iowa City... A different continent for three months?!

But I really want to do it!

In addition to school and the probably unnecessary worrying over it, I shall be continuing the editing process of my painfully rough draft of my still untitled WIP.  This is one of the less-mutilated pages:

Nothing says "progress" like several pages in a row covered in bright X's with the words: "This Entire Page is Obsolete!"

My novel kind of fell by the wayside in the aftermath of my car accident that kind of consumed my life there for a lil' bit, but about half-way through break it came back to serve as a safety line for me.  I got caught up and frustrated in the dark, non-enjoyable insanity of winter break until I came to the realization that I was sitting around waiting for my life to happen.  I want to be married, have kids, and write books.  It's all I've ever wanted.  It's STILL all I want.  But that doesn't mean that I have to sit here right now going through the motions and letting life become a desert that leaves me parched of passion and excitement.  I am Kaycee Lynn Pancake, I'm the ONLY Kaycee Pancake that there ever has been or ever will be!  God made me who I am and put me where I am for a purpose, and that purpose wasn't to become someone else before I can start living.  So, I started editing my WIP.  And maybe, just maybe, this is the novel that I can send out into the world when it's done!

Regardless of the small victory over the dark insanity I experienced over break, I've been terribly torn as of late between looking at the mountain and looking at the ground at my feet.  The mountain is taking forever to climb, and the ground at my feet has been looking the same lately with no evidence or promise of forward progress.  I know that reaching the peak will be worth it, even if it is just to find the next mountain, but I'm trying to learn how to live the life I have right now.  I've spent most of my life thus far existing and surviving  just trying to make it to this or that, but what about right now?  There's got to be something special, something worth while about who and where I am in this moment, and it always gets lost in the anticipation and fear concerning whatever peak I'm pursuing.  What about the present?  God gave me this special moment for a reason, and this semester, I'm going to try to find out what it is.

Carpe Diem.