Learning with my Cubbies

It really amazes me sometimes how much God can use my Cubbie class to teach me. When I first volunteered to teach the group of preschoolers at my church last year, I imagined that it would be more of a structured baby-sitting session with Bible stories in the hopes that the kids would remember something here and there to really learn what it means when they got older. Well, I learned last year that I was horribly mistaken. These kids could remember not only the stories, and not only could they regurgitate the verses back to us at the end of the night, but they remembered those verses. This year, there are six Cubbies in my class, and two of them have accepted Christ into their hearts this year! Praise Jesus!

But that's not all that I was wrong about when I took on this job. I assumed that I'd be chasing kids around and reading Bible stories that I've known since I was their age, and that would be the end of it. Well, when I broke up with my boyfriend and started seeing my counselor again, one of the first things we talked about was how I don't want to marry a bozo, but rather a Boaz. In the book of Ruth in the Bible, it tells the story of a young woman who lost her husband, but left her native land to stay with her mother-in-law to take care of her. In her mother-in-law's land, Ruth quickly became known as a loving woman of strong character. Boaz, a successful man who loved God and was an upstanding man in his community, took note of her. They fell in love and got married, and from that marriage came the line that would later include King David. On Valentines Day this year, I was fighting to keep busy and distract myself from "Singles Awareness Day," as I faced yet another V-Day Invasion alone. I opened up the Cubbie lesson to prepare to teach, and lo and behold, the story I'd be teaching was Ruth and Boaz.

Another thing that several people in my life have been working on (and encouraging me as I work on as well) has been identity. I've been going through all of these things that God thinks of those who follow Him and trying to grasp what all of it means for just me, and this week's Cubbie lesson was about Heaven. So as I tried to wrap my head around who I am in Christ and what God thinks of me, I was coloring a poster about Heaven with my Cubbies. "What do you think will be in Heaven?" Most of them got pretty excited about beautiful flowers and butterflies, green grass, blue sky, mountains, God and Jesus, and all of the things they thought would be in Heaven, chattering about their drawings so that I would know what the sprawls of color all over the paper were. We talked about how the only way to get to Heaven is through Jesus, because everybody sins, but Jesus died to pay for that sin so that we can spend forever in Heaven with God. The Bible verse was John 14:2: I go to prepare a place for you.

Jesus died for my disrespect, for my vandalism of God's temple, for my carelessness in my romantic relationship, for my apathy, for my disbelief, for my idolatry. Jesus gave His life to pay for all of that because He loved me. And right now, He's in Heaven where the grass is green and the sky is blue and there are flowers and butterflies and mountains, and He's preparing a special place in the house of God just for me.

Identity

I've been thinking a lot about identity lately. There's a lot to think about there. Who am I? Who is anyone? What makes me different from anyone? You know the saying, "You are unique, just like everyone else." Which side of that contradictory statement triumphs: you are unique, or you are just like everyone else? I refuse to believe that I'm just like everyone else, so then how am I unique? How do you judge who you are? If who you are is not based upon what you do or how you look, then what is it based off of? What you like? What you achieve? What you believe? How much you confuse people with deep questions in a single blog post?

I have an identity in Christ. I'm the daughter of the King of Kings, who created me, has a plan for my life, and loves me so much that He died for me so that I can spend eternity with Him. That's a huge part of my identity, because it's my existence. It's how I was created, what I was created for. But the part that I struggle with is that identity belongs to every single person who has trusted Christ as their Savior and follows Him. That goes for the "just like everyone else" side.

So I went to a girls' night with a couple of ladies from my church, and it turns out I'm definitely not the only one who has been thinking about identity. I mentioned this conflict that I've been having, and one of them commented that God created me with an artistic talent (personally I think I have more passion than talent, but warm fuzzies are always good!), and I use that to His glory, and that is part of my identity.

What if our identity then is what we focus our lives upon? Then who we are isn't what we do necessarily, it's not completely what we accomplish, and it's only what we look like if that's where our focus is. I focus my life on Christ (or try to at least), so part of my identity is the personal relationship that I have with Him as my Savior, my Lord, my Abba. I focus on my writing, so Kaycee the Writer is part of my identity. I focus on school, so Kaycee the Student (who is fixing to graduate with her Associates in Liberal Arts so that she can move on to the University of Iowa! Can I hear a woot woot?) is part of my identity.

I like this answer the best. Because that way, it's not what I do that is who I am. My identity doesn't change if I slip up against God or if I can't get published or if I get a B on a test. But it's not just the things that apply to everyone, either. The "You are unique" side triumphs with this answer. Trust me, I'm unique. There is definitely nobody else out there like me, which is probably a good thing. I'm not just like everybody else. I have my own identity that makes me special, that makes me different from everybody else. What's your identity?

2010

Well, it's been an interesting year to say the least. I turned 19, I got half of my credits done towards my Associates in Liberal Arts degree, I've been working at my desk job, went on my first date, had my first kiss, went through my first break up... ultimately, it's been the end of life as I know it.

But it's New Years, my favorite holiday. It's a time for reflection, and a spring board for improvement. While I don't quite so much believe in New Years Resolutions, as no one ever sticks with them for more than two weeks tops, it really is a chance to look at life and see where I'm at and where I'd rather be (which, yes, generally occurs in the form of New Years Resolutions. Funny how that works).

Well, I have twelve hours left for reflection, I don't have to know where I am or where I want to be yet, do I? Thus far, I have reading at least one book a month and writing at least 500 words a day. Any other ideas? We'll have to see how much else I can figure out about where I am and where I want to be.

A Beautiful Blue Bible

My first Bible was a big, bulky, burgundy one that said "Holy Bible" on the front and was about three inches thick. Then there was this new trend in the Christian community of having your name printed on the lower right corner of the front cover of your Bible. So, my parents bought me a sleeker, thinner burgundy Bible with shinier pages and one of those cool ribbon book marks, and they had my name put on it.

Then it came time for High School. Ever since the fifth grade, I wanted to be home schooled. I hated public school: it didn't challenge me, both my peers and my teachers were dumb half the time, but most of all the rebellion that I saw in my older brother's life I contributed to the negative influences of public school. All through Jr. High, my biggest fear was that I wouldn't be strong enough, that public school would get to me, and I'd fall in my faith like him. But by the time High School came around, it was clear to my parents and I that home school wasn't in God's plan for me. After I finished crying over it, I finally decided that if it was God's plan for me to go to public school, then maybe He wouldn't let me slip like my older brother had. But before school started, I got a new Bible. This one was a small blue one that I got specifically to fit in my purse so that I could have it with me at school.

I can't remember if it was my senior or junior year, but I was at a football game marching the half time show when it started to rain. By the time we made it back up to the stands, it was too late. Everything in my purse, my Bible included, had been soaked. So I got a new Bible, about the same size but this one was brown and green and had cool designs on it.

One of the most commonly overlooked beauties in this world is a well-used Bible-- one with a worn spine, the sparkly edges worn off the pages, and rainbows of underlines, highlights, and notes in the margins on many pages. I was looking for something in my Bible today and was surprised to find that it hadn't been underlined yet. Then I flipped through the rest of my Bible and was a little disappointed that it wasn't nearly as colorful inside as I thought it should be. But I found a few things, a couple of verses that I had underlined that had special meaning to me and a few notes that had stories behind why I had written them there. It got me to thinking, so I ran downstairs and pulled out my old blue Bible. It had been a well-worn Bible before the rain at that football game brought it to an early retirement, and half of the notes and underlinings had bled all over multiple pages, but the scripture was still legible and I could make out the majority of my markings.

When I used that blue Bible, I was in a very special place in my relationship with God. It was incredibly intimate, I trusted Him with more than I do now. He was all I had back then, and I liked it that way. Nothing could come between us. I was on fire, I was passionately in love with my Lord and Savior, and every new thing He told me was worthy of a little new color in my Bible.

Things have changed since then. I've struggled with things I never thought I'd struggle with before. I've found myself wasting so much time groping cluelessly in dark corners when all I really needed to do was turn back around to find the open arms of my Abba Father. I've watched people falter in ways I've never thought possible for them, I've come against brick walls erected by the enemy and fortified by the free will that sometimes I wonder why in the world God gave us. And I've discovered that coming back to the intimacy that I had with God from places of such darkness is much easier said than done.

But I am coming back. It's a slow process, and it isn't a fun process. It's a fight, it's a struggle, it's a journey over rough terrain, and while I'm at least traveling in the right direction now I still keep stumbling, scraping my knees, and having to get up again to press on. But I'll be stronger for it in the end, and through it all I truly have learned things about my Creator that I didn't know before. And some day, I'll get back to the intimacy that I miss so much.

So I'm going to go to church tomorrow, and I think I'll bring that poor little rain-smeared blue Bible with me.

While I've Been Away

What's this? Kaycee lives? No way!!!! That's right Ladies and Gentlemen, kids of all ages, I didn't die. Please quiet your disappointment-- you know you missed me! So where have I been? Glad you asked!

As probably seeped through some of my most "recent" posts, there was some, uh... dissatisfaction in my life... hence things such as the epic rant on parenting. I won't bore you with all of the details of my dark ages, just rest assured that they were dark, I had nothing positive to say, so I didn't say anything at all.

Well, now I have positive things to say!

I have many positive things to say about God's sovereignty. My spiritual walk got pretty dry and felt really pointless there for a while for long, drawn out reasons that took three pages of journaling just to figure out myself, and would therefore take six to explain, so I won't. Praying was awkward, and I was mad at myself because I knew in my head that God doesn't change, so the change in my relationship with Him was me, and I didn't know how to fix it. So circumstances were grim, and I was completely on my own. Hence the dark ages and the dissappearance of Kaycee from the blogging world.

In a night of hopelssness and frustration, I went out on a limb, lived life on the edge, tried something new... I, uh, *coughcough* kinda sorta, umm... postedaprofileoneharmony. There, I said it. Well, as it turned out, God is sovereign. I've known that in my head all my life... I even learned what the word Sovereign means a few years ago. It's one of those facts that children raised in church have pounded into their heads until they can say the words in their sleep... whether they have any idea what it means or not. Well, now I know what it means. It means that God has a plan, and He knew what He was doing all along. Everything I've ever been through in my life has made me into the person I am today. And everything in my dark ages brought me to that night when I broke down and posted that profile.

Which means that God let me become the person that I am now and brought that person that I am now to eHarmony where I then proceeded to meet my boyfriend.

I had a journal that I had been frustratingly scribbling in through my dark ages until I finally decided that no matter how much journaling I did, life would still suck, so I gave up. I journaled in that notebook again the other day, read over what I wrote, and then flipped back through what I had written before. And I am happy to report that life doesn't suck. Life is full of hope and excitement, and even the parts of life that do suck are all a part of God's soveriegn plan to make me into the woman He wants me to be and to place me in the life that He wants me to lead that will glorify Him.

It's good to be back!

Update on my Personal Pact

At work this evening, somewhere between my 16 ounces of diet coke and two Excedrin, my body decided to revolt against me and is freaking out as if I have over-dosed on Red Bull. (It is not a pretty thing when I OD on Red Bull, trust me, but that has nothing to do with anything aside from the fact that it demonstrates how completely random and whacked-out I am at the moment). Therefore, it is rapidly approaching midnight and I'm still wide awake. What more is there to do but blog? So, I shall update my lovely readers on the status of that Personal Pact that I described to you in my last visit to the blogging world.

Step one was taking care of myself. I know, I know, it doesn't look like it at the moment, but I really am getting better!!!... A little... I went an entire half a week straight of eating like a human, that counts for something, right? And yes ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages, Kaycee cut her hair. Kaycee cut eleven inches off of her hair. Kaycee was traumatized for three days and almost cried. Kaycee is slowly getting used to it though: she does best when it's curled, because when it's straight, it looks like somebody just hacked it all off and Kaycee finds that disturbing. Kaycee derives joy from speaking in third person, can you tell?

Step two was getting off my lazy bum and doing stuff. I'm on Pleasure Reading Book number 2 and the Dark Warriors are just fixing to kidnap Inierae (who was very excited when I finally named her instead of continuing to call her "[Princess]"). Again, not the entire second step, but we're getting there.

Step three... well, I don't have a car and I work most nights. I'll have to wait on that one.

*deep sigh of satisfaction* Wherever would life be without progress?

Personal Pact

So I was thinking this evening while taking a shower (don't look at me like that! The shower happens to be an incredibly inspirational place!) about my life, what it is, and what I wish it was. As the scarcity of blog posts may have let on, I've been in a bit of a dark place in my life due to a whole slew of different factors in which I do not care to go into right now, nor do you really want me to, I promise. But I finally arrived at a concrete decision.

The gloves are off. No more little miss sweet and shy. I'm saying good-bye to the long, dark hours of contemplating those factors that no one wishes for me to discuss here and getting lost in bleak and gloomy moods and not enjoying where I am in life but not really seeing anything else. Good-bye. No more. The gloves are off. I'm going to get off my preverbial butt and do something. Okay, a few things. The pact I have made with myself tonight is three-fold.

I'm going to take care of myself. Not that I haven't been taking care of myself... well, as much care as any emotionally-distressed college student working two jobs that only very recently became one (I threw my last paper on Sunday, January 31, 2009, and all the world rejoiced), but I digress. I'm going to eat like a normal, healthy human being: you know, breakfast NOT impulsively purchased from the vending machine, a balanced lunch, and a dinner consisting of a little bit more substance than oreos and/or Ho-Hos. (What? Gallup has a vending machine, not a salad bar!) I'm gonna do a few crunches every day, pull out the weights and actully do my physical therapy stuff for my knee. I'm gonna order more ProActive, and this acne WILL go away. I'm gonna cut my hair... haha, gocha! Just a couple inches, I'm getting sick of sitting on it.

And then I'm going to broaden the horizons of my routine. I'm going to break free from the restraints that have cut out everything but Home, school, and work. I'm gonna read something for fun. I'm gonna write on a regular basis again. I'm gonna get consistent in my daily quiet time with God. I'm gonna start managing my time so I'm not procrastinating homework... quite so bad... I'm gonna finish my poetry scrap book.

Finally, ding dang it, I'm gonna MEET people! I'm gonna figure out what it takes to meet new people! I'm gonna find somewhere to go and I'm gonna talk to strangers and make new friends. Doggonit, I might even come up with some slick line to use when I'm turning down a guy's request for my phone number.

So I'm not creating a brand new and improved Kaycee. I'm bringing the old one back to life. I'm going to make her adjust to what her life has become, and I'm going to teach her how to love it.